Update: I've Solved the Mystery

I owe Lucy an apology.

Last night I questioned her loyalty.

I wondered why my thirteen-year-old, eighty-pound dog stood there watching Captain Trashbeard approach me like he was coming over to borrow a cup of sugar.

She didn't bark.

She didn't growl.

She didn't even pretend to care.

I thought she'd abandoned me.

Turns out...

They're working together.

This morning I walked outside and discovered that Captain Trashbeard had apparently spent the night rummaging through the trash can and thoughtfully scattering little "gifts" around the yard.

And who was happily investigating every single one?

Lucy.

Not guarding the yard.

Not protecting the house.

Enjoying her complimentary snack delivery service.

The betrayal.

All this time I thought I had an elderly guard dog.

What I actually have is an accomplice.

Lucy is the getaway driver.

Captain Trashbeard is the mastermind.

One distracts the human while the other raids the buffet.

Honestly, it explains everything.

Why she never barked.

Why he walked right up to the porch.

Why he looked so confident.

This wasn't his first visit.

He's been here before.

Lucy has clearly vouched for me.

"Don't worry about her," I imagine Lucy telling him. "She'll complain about you on the internet, but she's harmless."

And apparently she's right.

So if anyone is looking for security around this cabin...

Don't hire Lucy.

She's already on Captain Trashbeard's payroll.

Payment accepted in stale bread, bird seed, and whatever questionable treasures can be recovered from my trash can.

What a turd.