If You Ever Need to Bury a Body… Walk Them There First

I learned a very important life lesson when I was young.

And before you panic, let me clarify: this is a purely theoretical life lesson.

But trust me… it’s a good one.

If you ever have to bury a body, you walk them out to the spot first.

Don’t drag them.

Just… trust me on this.

How did I gain this extremely specific knowledge?
Oh, just your typical childhood experience.

You know… when your dad shoots a coyote in the yard because it’s going after the animals, and then very conveniently leaves the country for work immediately afterward.

No instructions.

No warning.

Just: “Handle that.”

So my sister — yes, the favorite — and I got the joyous task of disposing of this poor creature.

We got home from school after sports practice, walked into the backyard, and there it was.

By this point, rigor mortis had already set in.

Which, if you’ve never dealt with that before, means the animal is now basically the shape of a very stiff, very uncooperative piece of awkwardly shaped furniture.

We didn’t have gloves.

Because of course we didn’t.

So we grabbed a couple of black trash bags and hoped for the best.

Our mission: drag this coyote an entire acre to the woods so nature could take care of the rest.

And let me tell you something.

You know how parents always say they “walked uphill both ways in the snow”?

Yeah.

This was one of those stories.

Dragging a dead, stiff coyote across an acre of land after a full day is not for the weak.

We stopped multiple times.

There was heavy breathing.

There were dramatic sighs.

There may have been negotiations about whose turn it was to pull.

By the time we finally reached the woods and abandoned our grim little cargo for the circle of life to take over… we were exhausted.

And right then and there we both came to the same life conclusion.

If we ever had an “Earl.”

(That’s a Dixie Chicks reference, in case you didn’t grow up in the 90s.)

We would absolutely walk him out to the spot first.

None of this dragging business.

Efficiency matters.

Now stop judging me.

You know good and well half of America watches “true crime” shows and takes mental notes.

Don’t act like you’ve never watched 60 Minutes and thought,
“Wow… that was a bold strategy.”

For the record, I am happily married.

And also far too pretty for prison, so my husband has absolutely nothing to worry about.

Mostly.

Until next time—

Keep laughing.