Duct Tape & Delusions of Danger

I’m not saying I had a normal childhood, but I’m also not saying it wasn’t preparation for a very specific, imaginary crisis.

For reasons I still cannot fully explain, I spent a good portion of my early years absolutely convinced I was going to be kidnapped at any moment. Not a casual concern—no, this was a full-blown, “better stay alert at all times” situation. Every white van? Suspicious. Every stranger? Probably an undercover villain. Every trip to the grocery store? A high-stakes mission.

Now, here’s where it gets concerning.

Instead of, I don’t know, telling an adult… my siblings and I decided the best course of action was to train.

And by “train,” I mean we duct-taped each other to a concrete pole in what I can only describe as a DIY escape room with zero supervision and extremely poor decision-making skills.

“Okay, your turn. Try to get out.”

This was said with the seriousness of a military operation.

There we were—three tiny chaos agents—taking turns being “the kidnapped one,” wriggling, rolling, and occasionally just accepting our fate when we realized we had, perhaps, used too much tape. There was no safe word. No exit strategy. Just vibes and a concerning amount of duct tape.

Looking back, I have so many questions.

Where did we even get that much duct tape?
Where was an adult?
How did we go through multiple nannies without anyone reporting us to…well.. someone?

Because yes, apparently we also had a reputation. We weren’t just imaginative—we were what professionals might call “a handful,” and what these people probably called “those kids.”

We went through nannies like a reality show elimination round. One day they’re optimistic, thinking, “These kids seem sweet!” Next day, they’re watching us voluntarily restrain and play power rangers vs evil trashcans, or hiding from said nannies, at which point they would quietly reconsidering their career path.

And the wildest part? In our minds, we were being responsible. Prepared. Proactive, even.

Meanwhile, the real danger was…us.

Honestly, if anyone had tried to kidnap us, they probably would’ve returned us within the hour. No ransom, just a note that said, “We’re not equipped for this.”

Anyway, I’m proud to report that I was never kidnapped.
Mostly because I was too busy duct-taping my siblings to a pole and calling it safety training.